A new Real Housewives feud explodes as one cast member’s shocking, confidential texts are aired publicly. Read our full recap.
This week on the Real Housewives of Melbourne, it’s all about Anjali: Her secret texts, what she really thinks of her fellow cast mates, and even her very future on the show.
First though, Gamble’s hosting a gallery opening to showcase some of her late father’s artworks.
The party starts with a life drawing class – and as artists, these women all make great Real Housewives. It’s all very hen’s party: before you know it, Gamble’s jumped into frame and positioned herself underneath the Live Nude Man, stroking him with peacock feathers. Life model, blink twice if you need help!
Then the girls head into the gallery space next door to look at Gamble’s fathers artworks. He seemed to have one specialty subject: Abstract renderings of “female external genitalia,” to quote RHOM one-season wonder Andrea Moss.
“Is that a wombat?” asks Simone sweetly, peering at an artwork sideways and squinting.
Former foes Janet and Kyla are surprisingly loved up at the gallery, both declaring how nice it is to get to know each other in an intimate setting. Surely it won’t last – it’s certainly not what they’re both saying on Instagram lately.
As the party wears on, a bouquet of flowers arrives from Anjali, complete with a note apologising for her absence. This being Real Housewives, the thoughtful gesture prompts everyone to complain about Anjali’s behaviour at their last group dinner – everyone, that is, except her closest ally Kyla:
Then Gamble reveals why flowers won’t cut it: Anjali has been privately bitching to her about the group, declaring them “beneath her” and saying she’s “never been so bored in her life”.
“So why does she want to be our friend?” asks Janet, knowing full well the answer is “contractual obligation.”
Gamble then reveals Anjali aired her true feelings about being a member of the Real Housewives in a top-secret text to her – which, naturally, she hands over to Simone to read to everyone. The text:
“CONFIDENTIALLY. Re: the group, you all have fake fights and you have fake fun. It’s getting me down. I’m just dying for something that means anything genuine. This is the most bored I’ve ever been in TV, and that’s coming from someone who spent 20 years discussing the Israelis and the Palestines.”
Kyla half-heartedly tries to stick up for Anjali, using her prior feud with Janet as an example of how things can turn around: “When Janet and I were in the heat of things, I NEVER thought we’d get past it. It hurt me SO much.”
Cut to Janet doing a hilarious “Hmmm, I’ll keep quiet for now but I absolutely do not validate your feelings” head tilt:
Next up, Kyla meets Cherry’s husband at Federation Square to help him organise a surprise for their upcoming wedding anniversary. It’s a largely pointless scene, but one which does gift us yet another shot of Kyla approaching from the middle distance in an oversized hat and preposterous outfit, and for that I think the show’s editors profusely:
I’m unsure why Cherry’s husband needed to enlist Kyla’s help for this one, given the anniversary surprise turns out to be him leading Cherry to Fed Square, where he’s set up a sofa, some Yellowtail and Jatz crackers while he plays an iPhone slideshow of happy snaps of them on the big screen:
Next we get a visit from an old RHOM friend in Chyka, who makes a cameo appearance for a catch-up coffee with Jackie and Janet. Several years on from exiting the main cast with dignity intact, Chyka is glowing like a woman no longer forced into regular social contact with Lydia Schiavello:
Jackie asks Janet and Chyka if they’ll throw her a baby shower and they both enthusiastically agree — presumably Janet will bring the tequila and Chyka will organise literally everything else. Jackie also wants to do an elaborate gender reveal … which I’m trying my best not to hold against her.
Finally, half an hour into this episode, we get our first sighting of Anjali, as Kyla drops around her house to see how she’s doing after a nasty chest infection. Kyla warns that she’s shockingly hungover, reflexively popping a bottle of champagne as she talks. Girl, have a Berocca! Just once!
Kyla tells Anjali that her confidential texts to Gamble have now been aired to the group – but Anjali’s unapologetic. She says the other Housewives are “brainless” and she finds them “boring.”
“I’m not exactly dealing with the biggest brains here! Janet, Gamble, Simone? They’re not special. They’re just your average, old, run of the mill, common bitches.”
“I have achieved more than most of them ever will,” she continues, conveniently forgetting Janet’s range of Chemist Warehouse teas and Jackie’s Shine It Up cult seminars. “Most of them are just empty, vacuous airheads who don’t have anything in their lives except money from whoever they married.” OK but … goals?
It’s all pretty salt-the-earth stuff – it’s hard to imagine a way forward with the rest of the group after she’s trashed them this comprehensively.
She also reveals Gamble returned fire after her ‘CONFIDENTIAL’ text, sending some oh-so-Gamble texts in response: “Stalky stalky til you talky,” followed by a torrent of foul, punctuation-free text messages.
Then Anjali and Kyla whisper some brand new gossip that forces producers to turn on the subtitles, so you KNOW it’s juicy.
Kyla claims that Janet broke into Anjali’s luxurious but rather empty apartment on the day of her pool party a few weeks back and snooped around, looking for evidence that Anjali didn’t really live there. Between this and her attempts to out Kyla as a fake Francophile, Janet’s really gunning to be the Nancy Drew of the season, isn’t she?
Anjali says there’s no way Janet could’ve physically gotten into her apartment during the pool party – which means, even weirder, she’s lying about breaking in.
“I didn’t know it was possible to be such a nasty bitch so many decades after one’s last period,” Anjali says of Janet. Anjali: when even the snarky recapper’s wincing, you may need to dial back the insults a little.
Finally this week, Cherry’s holding some sort of fitness-yoga-wellness event, all activewear and green juices. Janet, naturally, arrives in a dress and heels and starts sniffing around for a champagne.
Anjali is again a no-show, due to her issues with some of the other ladies. This seems a fundamental misunderstanding of the key duties of a Real Housewife: You attend group events SO you can hash out your issues.
As Cherry leads the class on a guided yoga class, Janet and Jackie sit up the back on stools, gossiping about everyone like Statler and Waldorf in The Muppets. Kyla theatrically shushes them at one point – and gets this response:
Eventually Janet, Jackie and Gamble sneak away from the class to discuss Anjali’s continued absence from the group. Gamble confesses she may have scared her away with her flurry of aggro texts – so what exactly did she say? “I don’t know, I was drunk.” Naturally, but couldn’t you just … read them?
Yoga mercifully over, the ladies settle in for a drink – and Gamble’s handily brought a bucket of spirits to add to their healthy juices. Suddenly, Kyla starts to cry as she reveals she has some big news.
Anjali, she says, “doesn’t want to come back to the group anymore.”
Is this a first? A Real Housewives of Melbourne cast member quitting mid-season?
The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8.30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. In the meantime, chat all things #RHOM with recapper and average, old, run of the mill common bitch Nick Bond on Twitter.
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2021-11-14 10:31:37Z
CBMiqgFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvcmVhbC1ob3VzZXdpdmVzLW9mLW1lbGJvdXJuZS1lcGlzb2RlLTYtcmVjYXAtc2hvY2tpbmctc2VjcmV0LXRleHRzLWV4cG9zZWQvbmV3cy1zdG9yeS85MDgxNjhlYjlhZjJlMGRjZGFlNGJkNzhlOWU5M2VkZtIBrgFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvcmVhbC1ob3VzZXdpdmVzLW9mLW1lbGJvdXJuZS1lcGlzb2RlLTYtcmVjYXAtc2hvY2tpbmctc2VjcmV0LXRleHRzLWV4cG9zZWQvbmV3cy1zdG9yeS85MDgxNjhlYjlhZjJlMGRjZGFlNGJkNzhlOWU5M2VkZj9hbXA
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