A Married At First Sight wife develops RSI on Monday night after aggressively scrolling through the endless thread of text messages sent between her husband and another woman.
The injury shines a light on the aspects that often go overlooked when it comes to a cheating scandal. When we think of people who’ve been betrayed by their partners, we tend to romanticise the heartache. But, hidden to one side – often in a forearm – there’s also the throbbing tendinitis that’s inflicted from doom-scrolling through the liar’s cyber history.
Thanks to this esteemed television program and its unflinching depiction of the struggles faced by modern Australians, the government is now introducing changes to Medicare allowing scorned exes to claim refunds for out-of-pocked costs spent on ergonomic wrist braces.
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After Jono’s secret texts to former contestant Ellie were exposed at last night’s commitment ceremony, his hurt wife Lauren is now demanding to see the receipts. After all, who doesn’t love curling up in bed with a hot cup of joe and a text thread of treacheries?
Jono surrenders the phone. He insists the messages were innocent – friendly banter about the humdrum dramas of life inside Trash Tower. Only the iMessage archives can reveal the truth.
The acrylic nail glued to Lauren’s thumb clacks on the phone screen as she furiously swipes through the dispatches. Text bubbles whoosh by for miles, like white lines painted on a highway.
Jono’s feeling confident about the forensic investigation of his telephone records.
“Lauren looked through all my messages and she didn’t see any issue with any of them,” he tells us.
Huh. Interesting. Shall we go direct to the source and ask Lauren for a statement?
“After seeing the messages I would describe the relationship between Jono and Ellie as inappropriate as f**k,” she declares.
In an attempt to add fuel to the fire, producers call an emergency dinner party and summon all the freaks to the warehouse. This cheating scandal deserves to be discussed at midnight while everyone glugs down their own personal vat of expired aeroplane wine.
As everyone rolls up to Freak HQ, Lauren rallies the troops before Jono can arrive. She was in such a rush to get here, she didn’t even bother drying her hair:
“There were about a hundred messages,” she says. “It was a lot of f**kin’ messages.”
She recalls one text where Jono and Ellie fantasised about catching up on the Gold Coast after the experiment. In another message, things got steamy when they started trading their dates of birth.
“He asked how old she was, and she asked how old he was,” Lauren tells the group.
Tori gasps. “That’s get-to-know-you chat!”
Eden shrieks. “That’s FULLY get-to-know-you chat!”
If that’s considered strong get-to-know-you chat, we don’t wish to get to know any of you.
Lauren continues breathlessly regaling the group with the he-said, she-said.
“He said, ‘I just turned 40, yikes!’ And she was like, ‘Oh my god, happy birthday!’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, where were you?’ And I was like, ‘Well I know where YOU were — out at dinner with ME!’”
And then we were like, ‘Pah-lease make it stahp!’
Where’s Jono right now? Producers have trapped him in an Uber that’s circling the block, allowing enough time for Lauren to turn everyone against him. He finally arrives as everyone sits down to dinner.
Ting, ting, ting!
The sound of a fork tapping a champagne glass settles the room and voices hush to hear what will hopefully be a thoughtful speech reflecting on the special journey they’ve all shared on this wonderful experiment.
“Here’s to Jono texting Ellie!” Sara roars, charging her glass of wine in the air to toast the group.
Jono scrambles. He insists he’s not attracted to Ellie.
That’s when Tori arches an eyebrow with a knowing smirk.
“Can I just pipe in there,” she says.
Doll, go ahead!
Apparently, Jack has shared some gossip from the boys’ gym sessions. It’s a full circle moment. Just weeks ago, Jono squealed on Jack for some distasteful locker room talk. Now Jack has returned the favour.
“Jack brought me some info,” Tori says, glaring at Jono. “(You said) ‘Yeah, I would’ve loved to have been with Ellie’.”
We cut to the experts in the basement as they watch the CCTV footage of their science experiment exploding in the laboratory.
This is the perfect moment to throw The Sledge Box on the table. For those new to the MAFS experience, it’s a box filled with inflammatory questions that are written for the sole purpose of causing a fight by provoking each partner to sledge the other with insults.
The experts have composed a series of insightful prompts for Jono to ask Lauren. It’s extremely helpful and soothes all their problems.
Jono: How do you feel about me right now?
Lauren: I think you’re a snake
Jono: Do I live up to your expectations in a partner?
Lauren: No
Jono: Do you trust me?
Lauren: I absolutely do not trust you
Jack interrupts to submit his own question to The Sledge Box.
“Do you think you would’ve had a better experience if you were matched with Ellie?” he probes.
Jono sighs.
“If I were matched with anyone else I feel like I would’ve had a much easier time, yes,” he says.
Producers cackle at this bold statement. Little does Jono know, there’s a clause in his iron-clad contract that’s about to be activated. He will return as a husband in next year’s season and be matched with the all-star villain Ines.
He’ll rue the day he decided to betray Lauren by engaging in boring get-to-know-you chat with Ellie.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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2024-03-25 10:13:39Z
CBMiyQFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvbWFycmllZC1hdC1maXJzdC1zaWdodC9hLWh1bmRyZWQtbGF1cmVuLXJldmVhbHMtc2NhbmRhbG91cy10ZXh0cy1iZXR3ZWVuLWh1c2JhbmQtam9uby1hbmQtb3RoZXItbWFmcy13aWZlL25ld3Mtc3RvcnkvNjhmMzg0ZTEyYTE4ZWU1OGRiYmQxMDBiMmJmODZjMTjSAQA
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