The Real Housewives of Melbourne have a wild pool party this week - but one simple word has Janet fuming. Read our full recap.
First up this episode we’re with Gamble and Anjali, who clashed in their first on-camera meeting last episode, when Anjali accused Gamble of secretly conspiring against another of this season’s new girls, Kyla.
Gamble insists she never had it out for Kyla – but notes it’d be “easy to make fun of someone who calls themselves the Great Dane … the Lady of Grape …” That’s Champagne Dame, Gamble.
Gamble tells Anjali that she’s working on an album – and Anjali reveals that she, too, is a singer. Gamble doesn’t seem at all threatened that someone could be muscling in on her turf as “RHOM cast member who occasionally releases singles”:
Anjali – who we’re quickly learning is definitely not lacking in the self-confidence department – explains that she loves singing but just hasn’t had time to become a global pop sensation since her international TV career skyrocketed. Honestly, same babes.
Anjali’s planning a housewarming party at her box-fresh new apartment later in the episode, so Cherry’s playing peacemaker and has invited both Janet and Kyla – who’ve previously clashed – shopping to find outfits.
Kyla once again demonstrates that she never met an oversized hat she didn’t like:
Everyone’s playing nice, laughing and trying on clothes, until Kyla cheerily tells Janet that a certain pair of shoes would “work well with her tracksuit.”
Janet – who is indeed wearing a tracksuit, albeit vintage Chanel – doesn’t take this well. In fact, I now suspect Janet is a Russian spy and “tracksuit” was the trigger word the KGB programmed her with to unlock her murderous urges:
But there’s no time for homicide, because next Janet’s meeting with her Housewives bestie Jackie in the Botanical Gardens to hear some big news.
Jackie hands her an envelope with her ultrasound scans in it, revealing she’s pregnant with twins, and when Janet opens it she does that open-mouthed expression of shock she usually reserves for when someone brings their own glassware to lunch or compliments her tracksuit.
Speaking of, next we get our first proper look into Kyla’s private life as she goes on a date with her partner of eight years, Kyri (these names … are we sure they’re not long-lost Kardashian kousins?)
There’s a lot of drama to unpack here: Kyri recently called off their wedding and they’ve separated, but have stayed living in the same house as they work at their joint business and try to reconcile.
It’s not the most romantic of dinners, as Kyri begins listing the ways Kyla has hurt him – all before the bread’s even arrived, which just seems like bad manners.
“I was trying to love somebody who doesn’t love me back,” he claims – which to me, sounds like the sort of bombshell statement that would immediately end all hopes of a reconciliation, but Kyla just nods sagely. Eep.
Kyri then declares that “a relationship’s not about love... it’s about management.” Ooft.
Let’s lighten the mood! Please! We’re off to Anjali’s housewarming party, to be held at one of her apartment building’s two pools. Her party outfit is very ‘Plucka Duck after one wild summer at the Moulin Rouge’:
Janet and Jackie saunter down the street towards Anjali’s apartment building, each brandishing a bottle of spirits. Imagine quietly going about your day on the streets of Melbourne when suddenly you see Janet Roach walking towards you clutching a bottle of tequila? I mean, you’d pass out just from the excitement and possibility of it all, wouldn’t you.
The guests arrive, drinks are poured, and it must be said everyone looks amazing. The Housewives, Anjali’s other friends, whoever this guy is:
By this point we know Anjali loves talking about Anjali, but it does seems like there’s a wall up. She sits down for a drink with Cherry and Jackie, who quiz her about the breakdown of her marriage – but she brushes off their questions and instead starts bragging again about the “three yachts” she and her ex owned.
“I feel like it’s all about her yachts and this and that – and I don’t really know much about her, other than her job from 10 years ago,” says Jackie, who it’s good to know can still deliver a solid burn while pregnant with twins.
Joining the table, Great Dane / Champagne Dame Kyla drops a clanger of her own. As an obliging waiter tops up another round of drinks, Kyla publicly calls him out: “When you serve the champagne, can you twist the label to face up, to the heavens? Out of respect to the winemaker.”
Cherry, who’s still recovering from hearing Anjali boast about her personal yacht flotilla, is not loving this one bit:
Jackie then surprises everyone with the news she’s pregnant. It’s an emotional moment – particularly for Gamble, who seems quite overwhelmed for her friend after the difficult IVF journey she’s had so far.
For Jackie, it’s more a sense of relief that she “doesn’t have to hide it anymore. When else do you get to hang ya guts out?” You can take the girl out of Newcastle …
And she has another announcement: She wants the girls to join her for a babymoon in tropical Far North Queensland. Some viewers have asked when exactly this season was filmed given Australia’s frequent pandemic lockdowns – and it is hard not to hear “girls trip to Queensland” without worrying Annastacia Palaszczuk will shoot their plane out of the sky with a bazooka.
Post-party, Jackie’s packing for the Queensland trip – and struggling to find anything that still fits:
As she packs, Jackie starts filling husband Ben in on the intricate layers of social dysfunction she expects will surface among the Housewives on this trip. Being a heterosexual man, Ben obviously has no interest or patience in this but because he loves Jackie, he pretends to care. Bless.
Finally this week, the girls arrive in Cairns, check in and spend their first sunset having drinks together at a rooftop bar. They’re clearly up for a good time: Everyone’s dancing, despite there being no audible music. Anjali starts shouting things in French (I’m not fluent but think she’s saying “I have three yachts, where is Kevin Spacey”).
It’s an idyllic first night of holidays – but there’s drama just around the corner.
Next week: An explosive lunch that sees two of the new girls turn on each other, and an even fierier dinner as Janet and Kyla go head to head.
Watch The Real Housewives of Melbourne 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel, and chat all things#RHOMelbourne with glamorously tracksuited recapper Nick Bond at @bondnickbond
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2021-10-24 10:30:43Z
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