Brooke has gotten the ultimate last word on two of her famous breakups, issuing multiple sneaky on-air sledges. James Weir recaps.
The Bachelorette’s Brooke does what many of us dream of doing when she hits the airwaves on Thursday night and sledges her famous exes.
It’s the ultimate way of having the last word. Genius. Still, if you diss your ex on a reality show but no one in Australia is tuning in to hear it, does it still mean you win the break-up?
The ratings for this current series of the Channel 10 franchise stink. Only 253,000 metro viewers tuned into Wednesday’s linear broadcast. More people watched America’s Got Talent over on Seven later in the night.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
And it’s not like Brooke’s not trying. She’s working overtime to make this season enjoyable for us. She even endures a dud kiss tonight, purely for our own personal entertainment.
In more positive news, this episode gifts us a catchphrase for the reality TV history books: “My gut just fell out of my butt”. We’re all about silver linings.
It’s time for the first sledge of the night. Sorry, date. It’s time for the first date of the night. Which also happens to begin with a sledge.
Brooke rolls up to the mansion on a motorbike to kollect Konrad for his kdate.
“Ummm, yeah, I’ve been on the back of a bike before … on my last season,” she muses, with a distinctly unsatisfied tone, as sepia-tinged flashback footage plays of her riding a Harley with the Honey Badger in the doomed-from-the-start 2018 series of The Bachelor. “ … This’ll be way better.”
And just to make sure we’re aware of how sour the memory is, she grimaces.
But this motorcycle date will be different. And Konrad kan barely kontain himself.
“Normally I’d go for an alpha,” Brooke tells us about the kinda guys she’s usually attracted to.
Hey, hey – hold up. Just because Konrad has frosted tips from an at-home Clairol kit – and possesses a Shania Twain-level of devotion to leopard print – doesn’t mean he’s not an alpha.
The date’s at a lush day spa. They gab, do each other’s nails and talk about boys. It’s hot.
The whole day is really sweet and they enjoy some truly meaningful discussions. But there is a problem. A big one. They do the clay face mask at the very beginning – then the producers make them sit through the rest of the spa treatment AND do their post-date interviews with their clay masks still on, clearly breaking the advised 10-minute application duration that’s stipulated on the label. We watch in real-time as the clay forms a bone-dry concrete shell on their faces, dehydrating every single pore by the second.
After producers hire a jackhammer to free their heads, Brooke gives Konrad a rose. And if he does not end up in the final two with Holly, we will revolt.
The Bachelorette has always been highbrow storytelling that incorporates subtle metaphors and symbolism. Tonight, when Osher invents a new game and makes all the contestants untangle metres of fairy lights, it serves as a powerful image. This entire television franchise is a tangled ball of dusty old Christmas lights and we the viewers are tasked with the tedious chore of picking apart the hellish knot.
But we’re not the only ones being tortured. Brooke is too. With dud kisses.
She grants some girl called Carissa some one-on-one time and it results in a meh pash.
“I feel … confused,” Brooke divulges to us. “Because I felt this really strong connection with her at the start. I just really didn’t feel that in the kiss.”
She can’t even hide how much the kiss sucked and she keeps making faces.
At the cocktail party, when Osher jogs across the lawn – tinging his white gold statement ring on one of the tacky red champagne flutes – we snap to attention and pray that he’s about to deliver some bad news.
“Osher walks into the cocktail party … oh crap … my stomach falls out of my butt,” Holly later recalls the moment in vivid detail.
Some intruders get wheeled in and they’re all forgettable. But we do glance up at the screen for a second when one of them asks Brooke what she’s hoping to get out of her time on the show this time ‘round – compared to her whirl on The Bachelor with the Honey Badger and then Bachelor In Paradise.
“Um. The big one for me is someone who is … consistent … someone who actually wants to fall in love,” she says, pointedly, before muttering an aside. “I kinda feel like I missed the mark on that one.”
Ka-ching! Second sledge of the night! And this time it’s a one-two punch – clocking Honey Badger and Alex Nation, who had a failed fling with Brooke on the BiP island.
With four intruders unleashed in the mansion, Osher announces there’ll also be a mass culling at the rose ceremony. Four people are getting dumped.
Of course, because it’s only the second week, we’re still in that period of the series where we don’t really care about most of the contestants or know their names. So when these four people get booted, we feel no emotion. Well, that’s a lie. We do know one of them is Jess, better known as The Chair Thief.
Take that, The Chair Thief! You’ll never sit in this town again.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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2021-10-28 10:12:48Z
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