Welp, it didn’t last long. James Weir recaps the end of Channel 7’s special SAS spin-off - and what a ridiculous end it was.
SAS Australia: Hell Week fizzles out on Tuesday night with a finale that’s as average as its everyday Aussie contestants.
Watching normal people get pushed out of helicopters just isn’t as fun as watching celebrities get pushed out of helicopters. Same with watching normal people get waterboarded until they reveal their most scandalous secrets. We don’t care about normal people’s secrets. If we did, we’d watch Insight on SBS.
Watching celebrities get humiliated and then yelled at is the entire point of SAS: Australia. This explains why SAS Australia: Hell Week – a mini spin-off of the extreme Channel 7 reality show that casts ordinary Aussies as contestants rather than tabloid personalities – dawdled towards the final moments of Tuesday’s finale.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
Without celebrities, what’s the point of SAS Australia: Hell Week? A televised love letter celebrating the resilience of the human spirit? Boo! We wanna see Schapelle Corby spilling the juicy details about life inside Kerobokan, like in season one! Or Bra Boy Koby Abberton crapping on about Russell Crowe’s house party where one of his mates projectile-vomited on the Oscar winner’s couch.
Without any of this razzle dazzle, we’re just left with weird nobodies running up a hill.
“I think dancers are underestimated,” one of these average Aussie contestants bravely shares during the Hell Week finale.
Indeed, more people should speak out about the plight of dancers. They’ve been silenced for too long. We’ve taken them for granted – making them dance like monkeys, but never stopping to ask their thoughts on global issues. We should be ashamed. Thank gosh dancers now have a platform through SAS Australia: Hell Week.
“My motivation is proving I’m more than just James The Dancer,” James The Dancer continues.
“Dancers work their asses off. They’re some of the most hardworking people I’ve ever met. Dancers are underestimated.”
Right now, dancers seem insufferable.
All the normies take this course very seriously. There’s lots of back slapping and earnest words of encouragement.
“If you just envision yourself doing something, it’s just inevitable that it’ll happen,” one guy gushes.
Um. Sure.
Where’s the drama? The scandal? Last week there was a contestant who revealed she was a single mum charged with murder. But that moment was merely a blip.
When it comes time for a challenge that requires the contestants to reveal the moments they’re most ashamed of, things really get dire. One guy with long hair breaks down and tearfully admits to wagging the holistic wellness classes his parents were paying for.
Yes, some of the stories are sad and heartbreaking and unfortunate. But they’re the kinds of stories you submit to That’s Life magazine for a chance at winning $50. They’re not for SAS: Australia.
“This has changed my life,” one of the contestants sobs about the reality show after, like, four days.
“I’m doing this for my family and friends,” James The Dancer declares, even though his family and friends probably don’t care.
He makes it through to the end with four of the other normies. But only two are approved for SAS selection – some random girl, and James The Dancer.
It’s a big day for dancers everywhere.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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2021-10-26 10:15:34Z
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