One Bachelor In Paradise star gets so worked up over the threat of a mass exodus he spirals into a hysterical meltdown that stuns everyone and ends with a bungled exit in Wednesday’s two hour movie length episode that not one person asked for.
On what planet would anyone ever want a movie length episode of Bachelor In Paradise? Most of the time there’s barely enough action to fill an Instagram Story. Honestly, it’s more torturous than the time I had to sit through two back-to-back screenings of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button in the same day.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
LISTEN TO THE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS PODCAST BELOW
We pick up where we left off on Tuesday night: Ciarran is furiously folding up his speedos and packing them into a suitcase after declaring he will quit the show because his ex came back and exposed him. But the exit is as fake as his hair colour and once he receives enough attention he decides to stay.
After seeing how everyone rallied around Ciarran, Timm then decides to declare he’s quitting. This sets Jamie off. Somewhere along the way, he has convinced himself that Timm is his best friend. It’s kind of like how I was convinced a guy called Kristian was my first boyfriend but if you asked him back then, or even now, he would categorically deny we were ever boyfriends. That’s Jamie’s friendship with Timm.
Jamie starts sobbing and runs into the villa to stop Timm.
“You are not going! You’re not f**king leaving,” he huffs.
“I have morals,” Timm says as he shoves some clothes into a duffel bag.
“It’s not about you, its about me! I need you f**king here!” Jamie’s voice cracks.
Timm refuses to make eye contact. “You’ll survive on your own.”
“No, I can’t!” Jamie sobs. “You know I came here because of you. Timm! Please, bro! Timm! You f**king know how much you mean to me!”
It’s already starting to get uncomfortable but it doesn’t stop.
“Look how much you’re f**king hurting me right now! I wanna wake up and see you every morning. Timm, please man. Stop packing! No! No! No!” Jamie’s cries echo around the island as the resort manager regrets ever letting the production set foot on the premises.
Jamie pledges to leave the island too and begins frantically packing.
Wow. Timm must feel very lucky to have such a loyal friend.
“How is he 40 and I’m 27?” Timm shakes his head.
After not seeing Timm for three minutes, Jamie assumes his friend has already left.
“I’m going home. F**k this place. I have to stand by my mate,” he sighs, storming out of the resort and trekking down a dirt road in the dark of night.
Everyone is just speechless. They can’t believe what they’re witnessing and the never-ending meltdown just keeps getting more hectic. The climax is when producers send out a search party to locate him. Mary reacts on behalf of Australia.
The production crew scrambles and chase Jamie through the dark. They tell him Timm hasn’t actually left – he has changed his mind. Jamie quickly morphs back into reality.
“The most embarrassing part of the whole thing was walking back into Paradise … returning with all my luggage,” Jamie mumbles.
Because of all the fake walkouts, producers go into a panic and decide they need to do a mass recruitment to fill the spaces that may be left.
Some guy called Alex literally washes up on the shore and then former contestant Alisha is shipped in, bringing with her three guys who have never even been involved in the franchise before.
“Excuse me, what show are you off? Have you even been on a show?” someone screeches at them as they arrive at the resort.
“We’ll call them the Clean Skins,” Osher announces and then the term “clean skin” is bandied about relentlessly until it just starts sounding inappropriate.
Alisha immediately fits in with the crowd.
“Why am I so horny for Glen,” she asks no one in particular before running off on a date with him that involves wrapping their bodies in banana leaf cocoons.
“This is like a soft porn shoot,” she gushes and we don’t know what weird websites she’s visiting.
At the cocktail party, Jake is fed up. Who’s Jake? He has been through about seven iterations of The Bachelor. He’s like your weird 40-something cousin who has been doing the same university course for a decade. Move on and get a real job!
Anyway, he’s in a foul mood because some of the other contestants are just making deals with each other to swap roses to stay in the competition. Jake is a Bachelor purist. He will not tolerate anyone disrespecting the sanctity of the rose. The Bachelor was established so horny 20-somethings could date several people at once and gradually dump each other on television all in the name of love. How dare anyone make a mockery of that!
“The rose means something to me and Paradise means something to me,” his lip quivers.
By the time the rose ceremony comes around, he has had a gut full and interrupts Osher to go rogue.
“I’ve been to Paradise before. I did find love and it did work for me. So the rose ceremony definitely does mean something to me,” he holds court in the elimination hut. “And, if anything, this experience has taught me that I’m still in love. And I think I’m gonna make the decision to not take someone’s rose that wants to be here when they’re genuine – and not waste anyone’s time. I’m gonna take a chance and fight for who I love and who I’m in love with. I am still in love with Megan. I’m hopeful we can find our way back to each other.”
And so he quits. Not like Ciarran and Timm and Jamie quit. He actually quits. Because he’s a man of his word.
https://news.google.com/__i/rss/rd/articles/CBMirAFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvdGhlLWJhY2hlbG9yL2phbWVzLXdlaXItcmVjYXBzLWJhY2hlbG9yLWluLXBhcmFkaXNlLWF1c3RyYWxpYS0yMDIwLWVwaXNvZGUtNC9uZXdzLXN0b3J5L2EzYjY4ODMwM2U0MjcwNjkzMGEwNGI2OWI5Yzk4NjRh0gGsAWh0dHBzOi8vYW1wLm5ld3MuY29tLmF1L2VudGVydGFpbm1lbnQvdHYvcmVhbGl0eS10di90aGUtYmFjaGVsb3IvamFtZXMtd2Vpci1yZWNhcHMtYmFjaGVsb3ItaW4tcGFyYWRpc2UtYXVzdHJhbGlhLTIwMjAtZXBpc29kZS00L25ld3Mtc3RvcnkvYTNiNjg4MzAzZTQyNzA2OTMwYTA0YjY5YjljOTg2NGE?oc=5
2020-07-22 11:30:23Z
CBMirAFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvdGhlLWJhY2hlbG9yL2phbWVzLXdlaXItcmVjYXBzLWJhY2hlbG9yLWluLXBhcmFkaXNlLWF1c3RyYWxpYS0yMDIwLWVwaXNvZGUtNC9uZXdzLXN0b3J5L2EzYjY4ODMwM2U0MjcwNjkzMGEwNGI2OWI5Yzk4NjRh0gGsAWh0dHBzOi8vYW1wLm5ld3MuY29tLmF1L2VudGVydGFpbm1lbnQvdHYvcmVhbGl0eS10di90aGUtYmFjaGVsb3IvamFtZXMtd2Vpci1yZWNhcHMtYmFjaGVsb3ItaW4tcGFyYWRpc2UtYXVzdHJhbGlhLTIwMjAtZXBpc29kZS00L25ld3Mtc3RvcnkvYTNiNjg4MzAzZTQyNzA2OTMwYTA0YjY5YjljOTg2NGE
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