The soldiers on SAS Australia brutally tear apart Candice Warner for a ridiculous mistake before openly mocking comedian Merrick Watts to his face on Monday night – both situations giving off the unmistakeable whiff of a set-up that proves, yet again, military training was developed by year 10 mean girls.
Honestly, that guy from Underbelly is just relieved the heat has been taken off him for a week. But hot tip: it picks back up on Tuesday night. Oh boy, does it pick up. Heh heh heh.
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But first, an assault riffle is thrust into the quivering mitts of our celebrities as they’re tasked with storming an abandoned warehouse to save a hostage from armed kidnappers.
Of course Honey Badger runs in guns blazing and blows the head off every human and piece of furniture he comes into contact with.
These soldiers are the goldilocks of hostage situations. They get mad when Honey Badger comes in too hot and then rip apart Candice when she comes in too cold.
She goes to fire her gun but it’s faulty and the trigger doesn’t work which makes it even more hilarious when the soldiers start yelling at her for not shooting the kidnappers. She tries to interrupt and explain it’s a technical glitch rather than a lack of skill but they just yell louder.
“I’ll just tell your f**kin’ husband, ‘She’s dead’,” the head soldier growls as Candice’s eyes well up and a look of sheer confusion washes over her face as to why her gun didn’t work like everyone else’s. “Now disappear!”
Yeah, Candice, don’t drop the ball next time. Jeez, it’s like you’ve never had to steal away into an abandoned shelter to save an unknown hostage from armed kidnappers with a broken gun before. Pay attention next time.
Back at the sleeping slum, the temperate drops to zero degrees and everyone complains about the cold and gloomy weather as they huddle around the fire. Oh, it’s too cold inside your corrugated iron shack that’s protecting you from Arctic winds? You’re uncomfortable? There’s probably nothing in the world that’s more torturous than this, huh?
Surprise, bitches.
This task is called “drown proofing”. It’s not a big deal – it’s similar to what the townsfolk did to me in my first life when I was drowned for being the witch I still am.
The hands of our celebs are bound behind their backs and they’re tossed one by one into a tank of ice-cold water. Once their bodies sink to the bottom, they’re supposed to spring back up to the top and gasp for air before they sink back down again. Then, if they haven’t succumbed to hypothermia and/or drowning, we fish out their exhausted corpses with a pool scooper.
Everyone rises to the challenge except Jackson who just kind of garbles around in the water.
“He doesn’t deserve to be here. He’s put no blood, sweat and tears in,” the soldiers declare when they assemble back at base camp.
We agree. Drown better next time, Jackson. If you’re not seeing the white light, you’re not doing it right. Lorna Jane should screen print that slogan on a motivational tank top.
The soldiers pledge to weed out the weaklings. They mean Jackson, exclusively.
He’s a total sweetie but sucks at anything involving running or lifting. Really just physical movement in general.
But breaking one person involves punishing everyone, so the soldiers wake up all the celebs at the very reasonable hour of 1am and make them do a HIIT circuit. Jackson fails but he doesn’t tap out. This just means more punishment is to come.
Someone who catches the soldiers’ attention is Merrick Watts.
“He needs to stop taking himself so seriously,” they mutter before calling him in for an interrogation.
“What do you do?” the head instructor spits, acting like he hasn’t just burrowed down into a Merrick Watts Google rabbit hole before this interview.
He tells them he’s a comedian.
“F**k off,” one soldier laughs in his face.
“Ha! Come on. You’re a comedian?” another soldier cackles. “You’re the most serious bloke I’ve met. Tell me a joke.”
Yeah, Merrick. You’ve just spent the day rescuing a hostage from armed kidnappers and being drowned. Now hurry up and pull out your tight five comedy set.
“I’m a 46-year-old father of two. I’m a comedian. And I’ve signed up for this,” he says.
The soldiers cringe.
“Was that meant to be a joke?” one soldier heckles.
“You’re a comedian? I’d never have guessed that,” yells another.
Merrick looks deflated but it’s his own fault, really. He should’ve started with a bit of crowd banter. “Who’s here from outta town?” Or do one of those relatable skits like TikTok tweens do. “Things boomers say: I need a drink – OR THREE bahahah!”
He then goes and delivers an emotional monologue about the struggles he faced after years of success and acclaim ended. The soldiers almost feel bad for heckling. Almost.
Who knew retired military troopers were such a tough comedy crowd.
https://news.google.com/__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?oc=5
2020-11-09 09:42:16Z
CBMiwAFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvamFtZXMtd2Vpci1yZWNhcHMtc2FzLWF1c3RyYWxpYS0yMDIwLWVwaXNvZGUtNy1jYW5kaWNlLXdhcm5lci10cmFzaGVkLWZvci1yaWRpY3Vsb3VzLXNhcy1taXN0YWtlL25ld3Mtc3RvcnkvODAyYmJiMDg2MDdhYzc2N2ExMjU2ZGM2OWVhNDUyZGLSAcABaHR0cHM6Ly9hbXAubmV3cy5jb20uYXUvZW50ZXJ0YWlubWVudC90di9yZWFsaXR5LXR2L2phbWVzLXdlaXItcmVjYXBzLXNhcy1hdXN0cmFsaWEtMjAyMC1lcGlzb2RlLTctY2FuZGljZS13YXJuZXItdHJhc2hlZC1mb3ItcmlkaWN1bG91cy1zYXMtbWlzdGFrZS9uZXdzLXN0b3J5LzgwMmJiYjA4NjA3YWM3NjdhMTI1NmRjNjllYTQ1MmRi
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