A sex lie snowballs and provokes a series of confessions that turn the Married At First Sight freaks against each other on Sunday night in an episode that ends with the experts losing their cool on one of the husbands and basically telling him he’s just a virgin who can’t drive.
It’s the first commitment ceremony of the season. We all know the drill. The couples sit on a couch in front of the experts and write “stay” or “leave” on a flashcard – mainly so we can judge their handwriting.
If they both quit, we never see them again, unless we subscribe to their OnlyFans. But if one person writes “leave” and the other writes “stay”, the person who wants to escape is held captive in the marriage against their will for another week while we all yell, “Ya trapped!” at the TV. It’s a fun game for the whole family.
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Lauren, the show’s MVP, has some wise words while walking into the ceremony.
“I see everything,” she warns. “I’ve got a lazy eye, but I see everything – because one eye’s going that way and the other’s going that way.”
The rest of the MAFS cast should be living in fear of Lauren’s lazy eye.
First up, Byron hippie Lucinda and sad sack Timothy. She drifts up to the couch like an ethereal angel while he lumbers up like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh.
It’s been a week of major hurdles. Lucinda is a sex goddess. And Timothy? He’s sex-phobic. It’s almost as if the experts did this on purpose.
“I don’t want to thrust myself upon him,” Lucinda purrs to the experts about her daily battle of sex rejection. “I don’t want to be arrested here. Just thrusting myself on this poor man when he really doesn’t want it. So … it’s a dance. It’s a dance.”
Honestly, Lucinda, the Married At First Sight bunker is a safe haven from the authorities. Thrust away!
Not everyone can relate to Lucinda’s struggles. Just ask Lauren.
“I can confirm we have had sex. It was the second the doors closed and the producers left,” she helpfully shares with the group about her night of passion with husband Jonathan.
Then the elderly couple have to go one-up everyone.
“Two to four times a day, every day,” grandpa Richard says of his sex schedule, before telling us a story about the olden days.
Someone who should be loving all this sex talk is Jack, the bedroom beast who describes himself as a cross between Tarzan and that kinky businessman from Fifty Shades Of Grey. But he’s suspiciously coy.
When he hits the couch with wife Tori, the first order of business is rehashing the scandal about his ex-girlfriend, who claims he broke up with her and lied about moving overseas just so he could go on this esteemed program.
“I ended that relationship as respectfully as I could,” Jack insists.
We don’t have any doubt. But just for the purpose of clarification, how long ago did you respectfully dump her?
“Six … seven weeks (ago),” he stumbles. “Probably seven, eight weeks now. … Seven, eight weeks. Or … eight or nine.”
We have some questions regarding this timeline and would like to refer upwards to the show’s experts. John Aiken pulls out his calculator and informs Jack his math isn’t mathing.
“Was that before or after you met us?” John grills Jack about the break-up.
Jack gets defensive.
“You do the calculations,” he snaps.
Yeah, John! You’re the one with a medical degree. Jack’s just a PT – and we all know they can only count to 10. After that, they just keep yelling, “Yeah, c’mon! One more, one more! Yeah, noice.”
“Were you doing assessments with us while seeing someone else?” John questions.
Jack pretends to think.
“I guess … yeah … I could’ve been,” he stutters. “Yeah. Yes. If that’s a fact. Yes.”
Ah-hah! Gotcha! What an adrenaline rush tripping this bozo with his own ponytail. Tori, ya welcome. Would you like to cut sick and dump him now?
“No,” she shrugs.
… Huh?
“I, to be brutally honest, couldn’t give a f**k,” she says, standing by her man.
Well, why the hell are we wasting our time talking about this?
It’s at this point Lauren starts serving A+ reactionary cutaway shots:
The experts are still determined to destroy Jack. So they decide to catch him out with some sex chat. After all, the couple hasn’t sealed the deal. Tori thinks they’re waiting for it to be special but Jack flat out told producers on his honeymoon that he isn’t sexually attracted to his wife. The experts could just wheel in a TV and play this footage, but they decide to torture all of us by going the long way ’round with an interrogation.
“I think she’s gorgeous. But the sexual spark with Tori, it is a slow burn. The sex will come,” Jack says, trying his best to present himself as a sensitive new age guy.
That’s when sad sack Timothy mutters something from the couch.
“I’m calling bulls*** on them!” he sneers. “The ‘slow burn’ thing … it doesn’t add up.”
Then the elderly man jumps in and shakes his walking stick in the air.
“Well, actually … the conversation came up on the bucks’ night: ‘Would you sleep with your partner on the first night?’ Jack, you said, ‘No way, I’d take my time.’ And Tim said, ‘I would, first night!’”
Out of nowhere, Jack’s sex lie has set off a chain reaction and exposed Timothy’s sex lie.
So, Timothy has just been pretending to be a sex-phobic sad sack in order to get out of doing it with Lucinda. Or … maybe he was lying about being a horn dog at the bucks’ night just to impress the boys? Either way, this episode is lousy with sex lies.
Sex goddess Lucinda can’t believe it. She immediately gets to work summoning the spirits and casting a spell on her husband.
When it comes time for Natalie and Collins to hit the couch, the experts are warmed up and ready for a slap down. Of course, Collins is convinced he can fool them with his bad acting and fake laugh.
“I’ve tried! I really have! Heh-heh-heh!” he pleads with the experts in his trademark hammy delivery.
Natalie, who appears to be permanently on the verge of tears, says her husband has been completely ignoring her and she’s wondering why on earth she’s wasting her time in this experiment – especially when her dad died just weeks ago.
Collins seizes this opportunity and blames Natalie’s grief for why he hasn’t been trying to get close to her.
John Aiken scoffs.
“Grief aside, to the best of her ability, she has been present-,” he begins to say before Collins interrupts.
“I’m sorry, you just said ‘grief aside’ … I’m sorry if we’re being honest, I don’t agree with you,” Collins protests as everyone groans. “You can’t just put grief aside, I’m sorry. You know what, John, let me tall ya …”
Aiken jumps in and asks Collins to list the ways he has tried to make his wife feel special.
Collins is looking for a viral moment and starts whipping out a bunch of pre-prepared phrases.
“No I’m sorry, I came to you for advice! What should I do? You tell me! Nah-nah-nah … I’m sorry.”
Aiken sits back in his chair and wonders if Scotty Cam has to deal with this level of stupidity with The Blockheads.
“I’m not here to tell you what to do,” John sighs.
Collins continues in his quest to score a fiery moment that gets used in the promo ads.
“Ya not? Ya not here to give me advice?” he shoots back.
It’s at this point John Aiken has a gutfull and basically recreates that scene in Clueless where Brittany Murphy’s character tells Alicia Silverstone she’s just a virgin who can’t drive.
“I wanna be very clear here. You have never been in a relationship with anybody before, correct?” John snips.
Collins gulps. He has come on this show to overhaul his image from nerd to bro and now it’s being ruined.
John stares him down. “You are talking to me as if you are an expert,” he says.
Then he makes Collins list the qualities he likes about Nat.
“Mate, I feel … awesome! Heh-heh-heh!” he fake laughs. “She’s good fun. A top lady. She is a … heart of gold? She’s … so … pure?”
The experts cringe.
“It sounds like you’re describing … your mother,” John says.
Natalie is desperate to get outta here. She holds up her card: “LEAVE”.
Collins doubles down on his bad acting.
“I’m absolutely heartbroken!” he wails. “This is the first time I’m hearing that Nat doesn’t trust me. What should I do?”
He holds up his card: STAY.
“Ya trapped!” we yell at the TV screen.
Natalie stares at her feet, dreading another week of hell that’s soundtracked with her husband’s fake laugh.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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2024-02-11 09:48:57Z
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