An arrogant groom who watched way too many re-runs of Entourage while growing up is unleashed on the Married At First Sight experiment where he measures the attraction towards his new wife with the most accurate yardstick he can find: his penis.
”I need to be attracted to her,” he informs us just moments before his wedding ceremony. ‘Cause, at the end of the day, I’m not gonna get hard for her personality.”
He makes that husband who reverse cuckolded his girlfriend out of revenge seem like Colin Firth in a rom-com.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here
It’s a month into the experiment and we’re still being tortured with boring weddings. Note to producers: We don’t even enjoy attending the weddings of people we like.
Tonight, we meet Ridge who has an unusual amount of confidence for a 27-year-old male nurse who still lives at home with his parents.
“I don’t need her tellin’ me how good lookin’ I am. I tell myself that every day,” he muses about his bride-to-be.
Everything he says sounds like the response you’d get if you asked the beta version of ChatGPT to talk like a young hip person.
“I’ve had a tonne of situationships but I get nothin’ out of breakin’ hearts,” he sniffs.
When we meet his two groomsmen, it’s clear they think they’re the Entourage bros. At best, they’re all Turtles.
“What are ya hopin’ she’s like?” one of the boys asks Ridge.
Ridge licks his lips. “Deeeeece.”
The boys nod and grunt in unison. “Deeeeeeeeece.”
Sigh. Do we even have to request an explanation?
“Dece means, like, decent,” the boys inform us. “Which means very good-looking, in our terminology.”
Mmm. Complex stuff. “Dece” is right up there with “fetch” and “quiche”.
Ridge rolls down the aisle and swaggers around the altar, smirking at the bride’s family.
“What’s crackin’? Anyone keen for a drink?” he scoffs.
Uh-oh! COOL GUY ALERT! COOL GUY ALERT!
Waiting patiently, he begins to fantasise about his mystery wife.
“I need to be attracted to her,” he muses. “’Cause, at the end of the day, I’m not gonna get hard for her personality.”
That seems like the kind of enchanting life philosophy you’d see embroidered on a throw cushion at a countryside B&B.
Shall we check in on his future wife? Her name’s Jade. She’s a single mum. And apparently she too will be unable to control her body’s reaction to Ridge’s personality.
“If he’s cocky, I will not be able to hide my facial expressions,” she snips.
And she means it. Jade, meet Ridge. Cue the facial expressions!
Ridge uses his vows to woo da boyz more than his wife.
“If I had to describe myself I’d say I was kind, caring, compassionate … and gorgeous,” he smiles as the bros cheer.
“What I aim to provide is safety and security in our relationship … because I know you girls love that stuff.”
He then throws to his bros in a call and response.
“Boys, give us a dece!”
The bros holler back in unison. “DEEEEEEECE.”
When it’s time to kiss the bride, only one word describes the moment.
“Kissing was dece,” Ridge says. “Very dece.”
A compliment of the highest order.
At the reception, Ridge makes clear his priorities.
“Hey ma brother, what’s good? Where da drinks at?” he greets his bros while they slap each other’s palms.
He introduces his bride.
“This is the old bird, Jade.”
One of the bros nods.
“Oi, dece,” he grunts.
The night continues like this. All the boys sitting around, describing everything as “dece”. Even when it is, in fact, not dece.
Meanwhile, in a random beachside town, Madeleine the psychic medium bride is sobbing while running through a paddock to apologise to a herd of cows because she ate a steak last night.
“Why am I so f**king annoying!” she screams at the sky.
Dunno. But if you find out, please fill us in.
After the cattle offer their forgiveness, it’s time for another dinner of red meat. That’s when the voices start trying to contact Madeleine from the other side.
They’re imploring her to tell Ridge he needs to stop trying to make “dece” happen. It’s not going to happen!
She jumps to her feet and starts talking in tongues as her husband Ash sits in silence. Then she runs off.
“Did you enjoy your meal?” the waiter asks.
Ash is shocked.
“That was … splendid,” he eventually replies.
Dece, Ashley. The word is dece.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
https://news.google.com/rss/articles/CBMiwQFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvbWFycmllZC1hdC1maXJzdC1zaWdodC9ub3QtZ29ubmEtZ2V0LWhhcmQtbWFycmllZC1hdC1maXJzdC1zaWdodC1pbnRydWRlci1yZXZvbHRzLXdpdGgtYnJvLWFudGljcy9uZXdzLXN0b3J5Lzk2NzgwMmU1MjdiYTU0NWEzYzI5ODE3NzgyYjM1YzAx0gEA?oc=5
2024-02-20 10:28:08Z
CBMiwQFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvbWFycmllZC1hdC1maXJzdC1zaWdodC9ub3QtZ29ubmEtZ2V0LWhhcmQtbWFycmllZC1hdC1maXJzdC1zaWdodC1pbnRydWRlci1yZXZvbHRzLXdpdGgtYnJvLWFudGljcy9uZXdzLXN0b3J5Lzk2NzgwMmU1MjdiYTU0NWEzYzI5ODE3NzgyYjM1YzAx0gEA
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar