For years, 28-year-old Yasmin Arkinstall believed the intrusive thoughts in her head were symptoms of a generalised anxiety disorder. It's what psychologists had always told her.
But when Arkinstall, a classically trained vocalist and opera performer, was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) at 21, her understanding of herself and her thoughts changed.
OCD is generally defined as recurrent and intrusive thoughts, urges and images that can cause anxiety or distress.
It's estimated 3 per cent of Australia's population, or around 780,000 people, will experience OCD in their lives.
"A lot of my OCD is pure obsessional, meaning that a lot of it happens in my mind. I don't have a lot of outward compulsions that people would notice as the classic OCD symptoms," Arkinstall tells ABC RN's Sunday Extra.
"It feels like a really intense urge that your brain is commanding you to do this thing, otherwise something really bad is going to happen."
In 2018, when she was 23, Arkinstall decided to use her craft to explore her condition. She began to work on a one-person autobiographical opera about living with OCD.
Since then, as she worked through the pandemic, grant applications and constant rehearsals, Arkinstall finished her show, which she's now touring. So far OCDiva has been performed across New South Wales and a national tour is a possibility.
Arkinstall says OCDiva is both an opportunity to express her experiences of OCD, and also a response to how unaccommodating she says classical music and opera can be for performers with anxiety disorders in general.
The beginnings of a musical journey
Akinstall's interest in music began when she was a child. It's always had a connection to her experience of OCD, something she has experienced since she was four years old.
"I would be crying in the sandpit at preschool because I would get intrusive thoughts about my parents dying in a car crash, just repeatedly," she says.
Arkinstall's parents thought she was simply struggling with the preschool environment. They enrolled their daughter into music and dance classes to see if creative expression could help.
"So that's where my musical journey began. And it did really help at the time," she says.
"I was able to refocus away from those intrusive thoughts whenever the music would come on."
'More challenging for someone like me'
However, as Arkinstall got older, music and dance became less effective at keeping her OCD symptoms at bay.
"As I got more serious about [my art], I started getting quite a lot of intrusive thoughts before performing. And even during my performances, as well," she says.
Arkinstall persisted, and decided on a career as a classical singer. She graduated from the Sydney Conservatorium of Music with a Bachelor of Music in 2018.
But she says the classical music industry has been tough to work in.
"It's hard to have intrusive thoughts that are pretty constant, while singing in a traditional opera production," Arkinstall says.
She argues that in opera, there's a "perfectionistic value" and a focus on maintaining the "beauty" and control of sound.
She says great value is placed on "getting through [a performance] with just immense beauty and perfection".
"It's more challenging for someone like me who is bombarded with thoughts all the time to perform with that level of perfection."
'I wanted to be really authentic'
OCDiva, which was co-written with Australian award-winning composer Eve Klein, is an opportunity for Arkinstall to explore opera in a different way.
The show is centred on her experiences with OCD.
For example, since she was 12 years old, Arkinstall has had intrusive thoughts about swallowing correctly.
The thoughts tend to be: "What if my throat closes up on stage and I choke or gag in front of people, and I humiliate myself?"
In one OCDiva scene, she recreates these thoughts, using looped recordings of her therapist.
Loading...Arkinstall says she "wanted to be really authentic in terms of what intrusive thoughts pop up". She also wanted her show to be "less rigid and perfectionistic" than a traditional opera or classical performance.
For example, a performance may not always include the same songs or structure.
Loading..."If I'm having a particularly bad day, I can leave out certain songs that might be a little bit more triggering to perform," Arkinstall explains.
"Or if I'm quite tired, then it gives me space to skip that particular area or song."
And a perfect performance isn't the main focus; Arkinstall's show is "open to hav[ing] a few little mishaps or imperfections".
Audience members with a range of needs are catered for in the show.
Arkinstall's performances have a mindful meditation section for "audience members who may have felt anxious or overwhelmed" after certain sections.
'Doesn't have to be a barrier'
Arkinstall says she hopes her audience "come away with an understanding of what OCD actually is" and understand how "debilitating this anxiety disorder can be".
She wants audience members to see that her symptoms are not simply obsessive cleanliness, but also the "stigma and medical gaslighting" those with OCD can face.
To help educate audiences, Akinstall holds a 30-minute Q&A session after each show.
"We also want to spread the message that in spite of mental illness or other health challenges, one can pursue their dreams and share their story if they desire," she says.
"It was important to [the OCDiva team] to express that disability or adversity doesn't have to be a barrier in doing something meaningful or magical in our lifetime."
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2024-01-01 18:00:00Z
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