One of The Bachelor’s stars has a famous ex. And they’re dumped right after the celeb is revealed. James Weir recaps.
The Bachelor’s Jimmy is left feeling used on Wednesday’s penultimate episode when it’s revealed one of the show’s allegedly fame hungry contestan-
Oh who cares. None of you are watching. This thing just needs to fizzle out like a Glade candle.
It’s the semi-final and of course I’m still watching. Ha. “Watching.” The episode’s just playing in the background while I do more important things like scrolling through real estate I’ll never be able to afford and following Drew Barrymore’s DIY kitchen renovation on Instagram.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
It’s time for the final dates. You guys know the drill: there’s no more money in the budget, so producers scrounge together the half-empty bottles of wine that are rolling around the fridge in the Studio 10 kitchenette and then scoop up whatever loose change is at the bottom of Sandra Sully’s handbag.
First up, we find ourselves aboard an old boat on an overcast day where Holly talks endlessly about her parents’ divorce. It’s the most uplifting moment of the entire series.
For Jay’s date, producers trick the Sydney Symphony Orchestra into giving a private performance. For weeks, Jay has been battered by rumours she’s only on the show for fame. There was the gossip about how she allegedly said she wanted to be the runner-up instead of the winner because they do better on Instagram. And just last week at the home town visit, her mate told Jimmy that Jay has secret ambitions to be a TV presenter and that she has a famous ex.
Jimmy knows what he needs to do: launch a dramatic confrontation. It’s the perfect setting. As he exposes her and reads out the laundry list of accusations, the violinists in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra can play that screechy Psycho theme music. Maybe Jimmy can even steal one of the cellists’ bows and wave it around for dramatic effect while he makes his point. Of course producers don’t think of any of this. Yet another missed opportunity.
Finally, Jimmy goes and says what we’re all thinking. “I’ve got so many things running through my mind, like: Who is this famous person?”
Jay doesn’t hesitate in revealing the celebrity.
“They have The Bachelor in New Zealand,” she smiles. “ … And … he’s The Bachelor New Zealand.”
Well. That’s a let down. It’s like when Channel 7 revealed the cast of celebrity Big Brother and the biggest name on the list was Meghan Markle’s weird stepbrother. We want someone who’s actually famous — like Chris Hemsworth’s cranky neighbour.
“It does look suss,” Jimmy sighs to us. “Now I’m wondering, is Jay here for me? Or is she just here to bag herself another Bachelor?”
That’s the thing about being The Bachelor. You can never really tell if people like you for you, or if they’re just dazzled by the fact you’ve been in the same room as Osher. ‘Tis the price of fame.
For Brooke’s final date, producers scout the most romantic destination they can find: A vacant jacuzzi at an inner-city gymnasium.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Last time I went on a date that involved a jacuzzi, I got an all-body rash because of bacteria in the water. Hope they’ve brought a prescription steroid ointment.
“We’ve been dating for a little while now so I wanna show Jimmy a little bit of the sexy side to me and I wanna build on our sexual chemistry a little,” Brooke giggles to us.
We kinda wish the Sydney Symphony Orchestra was also on this date so, when things get sexy, they could play the Psycho theme music again for comedic effect.
Brooke was once a frontrunner, but now Jimmy’s having second thoughts.
“She’s a little bit more intense than I remember,” he mumbles to us.
We roll our eyes. Jimmy, c’mon. That’s ridiculous. She’s not inten-
“I honestly do feel like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend right now,” she whispers over the whirling jet streams of the spa. “I’m falling harder for you now more than ever. And it’s so scary … But I love the thrill of it.”
When it comes time for the rose ceremony, it’s lacking the nailbiting tension of past semi-finals. Partly because we know who’s going home. But mostly because we don’t care.
Brooke and Holly get tossed a rose. And Jay’s told to hit the bricks.
“It just feels like sh*t,” she sobs as the Uber drives away from the mansion.
She’s distraught. Of course she is. She missed out on the one thing she came here for: the title of runner up.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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2021-09-01 11:02:41Z
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