The highs are high and the lows are low in The Bachelor mansion on Wednesday night where one girl bravely shares how an STI influenced her choice of spirit animal and another lady gets dumped while wearing a velour bear costume.
Oh, and another girl gets called a bin chicken. It’s an episode of light and shade. So much nuance.
And while the ratings might be in the toilet, don’t think for one second that these recaps will cease. This show is the Titanic and I plan on clinging to the deck while recapping every goddamn moment until we sink to the bottom of the Atlantic.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
We get really excited at the beginning of the episode when that girl who hates pilots gets locked in the cockpit of an aeroplane with a pilot. Yay! But instead of being terrified, she just lies about loving it. Boo.
“It’s no secret to those who know me that I do love pilots,” Stephanie grins at Jimmy.
*Cough* Liar *Cough*
If you recall, when Stephanie first met Jimmy on the first night and found out that he was a pilot, she threw a secret tantrum and ranted about how all pilots are the worst. We can’t really remember her point — but if it was related to how pilots always use that phony voice when they talk over the PA, then we’re totally on her side.
In the cockpit, it doesn’t take long for the cracks to begin to show in her lie. A few moments after declaring her love for pilots, Stephanie can’t help but let slip to Jimmy some of her past troubles.
“I have so many great pilot friends and so many of them are married and so many of them have kids,” she begins, her smile slowly morphing into a grimace. “Then … there’s just a handful of them that like to go out and have maybe a little too much fun. Their girlfriends are in another country and they’ve got money and time … it’s just a bit of a recipe for disaster.”
Stephanie is absolutely correct. It is a recipe for disaster. Just like how mixing alcohol, animal costumes and TV cameras is a recipe for disaster.
The producers think it’s a fun idea for all the contestants to dress up like their spirit animals. At first we roll our eyes and sigh. Boring! Then someone mistakes this girl’s hawk costume for a bin chicken — but she mishears the insult and thinks they called her a “bearded chicken”. Either way, she throws a fit and we love every second of it.
“She called me a bearded chicken,” she bitches to the other girls.
“A bearded chicken?” they exclaim.
The insult flusters everyone and they all go wild, like a flock of bearded bin chickens who’ve just arrived to find their favourite dumpster has been padlocked shut.
Meanwhile, our girl Sierah is divulging some brave personal revelations to a random cameraman.
“So I was going to say my spirit animal is a koala because I like sleeping and I’ve definitely had chlamydia but I thought that’d be quite hard to explain to Jimmy so I’ve stuck with a phoenix because I’ve risen from the ashes,” she informs us.
It’s around now everyone goes feral and one girl who’s dressed as a sloth gets roused on for climbing a tree. We’re kinda disappointed a team of producers didn’t start whacking her with brooms to dislodge her from the branches.
Then some chick called Ash strips down to a bikini and drags Jimmy into the jacuzzi for an impromptu date. All the girls cut sick.
“Spas are pretty sexy, even I’m horny watching them,” someone mumbles.
PSA: Spas are not sexy. Last time I went in a spa on a date, I developed folliculitis down one arm because of bacteria in the filthy water. It was harrowing. I thought I’d caught some weird new STD for arms. But, like Sierah and her chlamydia scare, I too rose from the ashes to become a phoenix.
Whoa boy. I reckon it’s that time of the night where we should dump someone. The ferals are wrangled into the rose ceremony room and the group resembles a who’s who of casting rejects from an unauthorised regional production of The Lion King.
We’ve seen some undignified dumpings happen on this show — but none more humiliating than tonight.
Who goes? We don’t even know her name. But she gets dumped on television while wearing a velour bear costume. What a way to go down.
https://news.google.com/__i/rss/rd/articles/CBMipAFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvdGhlLWJhY2hlbG9yL2phbWVzLXdlaXItcmVjYXBzLXRoZS1iYWNoZWxvci1hdXN0cmFsaWEtMjAyMS1lcGlzb2RlLTUvbmV3cy1zdG9yeS83MWVhMjQzNGZkZjZlODU0M2EyMTBhOWM0MDlkMjQ3ZNIBpAFodHRwczovL2FtcC5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvdGhlLWJhY2hlbG9yL2phbWVzLXdlaXItcmVjYXBzLXRoZS1iYWNoZWxvci1hdXN0cmFsaWEtMjAyMS1lcGlzb2RlLTUvbmV3cy1zdG9yeS83MWVhMjQzNGZkZjZlODU0M2EyMTBhOWM0MDlkMjQ3ZA?oc=5
2021-08-04 10:47:08Z
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