One husband’s not-so-secret double life as a “pig” is exposed on Wednesday’s Married At First Sight while a pending affair is shamelessly teased and another is revealed outright by a wife who claims the ex she slept with multiple times over 12 years failed to tell her he’s married.
Yowza. All this just makes us miss the easy breezy days of junk food platters, handbag biscuits and getting blime-fibe-eb.
If you don’t know what any of those three things are, you’re not a Married At First Sight veteran.
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We’re still in the middle of confession week which means more hurt feelings and bruised egos are just moments away. Everyone wakes up in their tiny, dank hotel rooms and we can smell the sweaty sheets and morning breath through the TV.
What’s in store? Just more fun games like Hot Or Not. One of the new tasks is informally titled Let’s Go ‘Round The Circle And Say What We Hate About Each Other. And the other activity is Confess Your Most Shameful Secret So We Can Openly Judge You.
Of course Melissa gets roped into the latter. The woman just can’t catch a break.
Her husband Bryce has already casually revealed he’s not attracted to her and that he cheated on the ex-fiancee he dumped just months before coming on this show. There’s literally nothing left for him to reveal in this challenge so it all comes down to Mel — who, before now, hadn’t been in a relationship for 12 years. Her secret confession involves the one-and-only boyfriend from all those years ago.
“My ex and I never got back together. However, over the years, he has remained a friend. And we’ve been intimate,” she exhales.
Is that all?
Melissa is timid and crumbling from the lifetime of pressure she has put on herself. She needs to drink a bottle of wine and read The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a F**k or one of the many other self-help books that use expletives in the title.
“So for 12 years you’ve kept him there?” Bryce shoots back.
She gives more details. “We wouldn’t speak for a couple of years and then-”
He cuts her off. “If it’s happened for 12 years, it says there are still feelings there. Has he not had a girlfriend in that time?”
Just as we step in to defend Melissa and remind Bryce he dumped his fiancee of five years just four months before joining this circus, Melissa pipes up to add one more fun fact.
“He was married. I didn’t realise he was married at the time. He didn’t tell me. I didn’t know,” she says.
To say we’re all blime-fibe-eb by this revelation is an understatement.
Bryce continues to be unjustifiably outraged. “Why the hell would you do that? To be honest, I’m a little p**sed off.”
We don’t even have the energy to explain to him how much of a sasshole he’s being.
Besides, these are trivial problems compared to what Alana is facing. In a vulnerable moment, the self-described Hot Teacher is yet again shining a light on the struggles and hardships of being hot.
“It’s been really hard for me,” she says, twirling a lace bra in the air.
Well, Alana. It’s really brave of you to share your harrowing story. Thank you.
Meanwhile, Samantha and Cam have reunited to try give their marriage another shot.
“Do you watch TV shows?” she asks.
“Not really,” he grunts.
It’ll never work.
Speaking of dead ends, Jo and James are playing Hot Or Not. She places Jake first and ranks her husband second even though she actually wants to slot him into third place. This naturally leads to cheating allegations.
“It just gives me reason to doubt her — second guess her. She’s not trustworthy,” James informs us before presenting his watertight case.
“You keep disappearing — every time I go into a room, I come back, you’re gone. You’re being a bit shady. As far as I know, you could be in Jake’s room. Flirting with Jake.”
Jo’s head hurts and so do ours.
“Am I making this up?” he sticks to his guns. “Don’t try reverse this on me and make it look like I’m jealous.”
No … of course. You sound totally sane.
The only well-behaved person tonight is The Sasshole. She’s playing Hot Or Not with her husband Jake and she places him in the number one spot without any hesitation.
We’re impressed. You’ve actually surprised us, The Sasshole.
“But (in regards to) overall attractiveness, I wouldn’t normally go for any of these guys,” she spits. “I don’t have that physical attraction with any of them. I don’t have it with Jake either.”
Annnnnd, The Sasshole is back.
Jake returns fire, placing her first … but only based on looks.
“Do you think my personality is unattractive?” she glares.
“There are characteristics at times where I do just go, jeez, that’s not attractive for me at all. But then I get glimpses of … hope?” he says.
You should put that reference on your CV, The Sasshole.
As The Sasshole gets sassed, Coco is having a private catch-up with Samantha’s husband Cam in the new apartment she has moved into after taking a break from her own husband Sam.
1. This is just convoluted.
2. And exhausting.
3. Rule #275 in the MAFS rule book: If you invite someone else’s spouse into your apartment while your own spouse isn’t there, you do it with the understanding that producers will edit the scene to make you look like you’re cheating.
Cam enters at his own risk.
Why is he even here? Apparently he knows Samuel from their real life back home and Coco wants to pick his brain about why the guy she has been forced to marry is so mean to her.
“We both work in construction, so Sam kinda hangs out in the same groups I hang out in back home,” he says, busting Sam’s claims that he’s a professional fashion designer.
“I had a feeling that anyone who was gonna be matched with him was gonna have issues because I know him. I don’t really like him to hang around with at all because there’s always drama. You always get embarrassed when you’re around him. I personally think he’s a pig. He’s a pig.”
They laugh, trade war stories and he calls her Coco Pops.
“I would’ve been happy to match with ya, but … Sam and Sam, hey? We’ve got our Sams,” he smirks.
“Oh, that’s thrown me,” she giggles.
They hug. He leaves. Producers edit the footage accordingly.
And we riffle through our handbags in search of biscuits.
https://news.google.com/__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?oc=5
2021-03-03 10:08:00Z
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