While Married At First Sight producers thought adding a bisexual husband into the mix would be a controversial novelty, the relationship proves on Tuesday night to be the healthiest this show has ever seen – particularly in comparison to that of a brand new wife who’s a big meanie and ridicules her beautiful caveman groom until he almost cries.
But not even an uncontroversial bisexual or a crying heterosexual can save this episode. We’re really only watching this lukewarm crapfest tonight to kill time until Exposed: The Ghost Train Fire kicks off at 8.30pm on ABC (if you miss it, find it on iView). Make sure you watch, it’s all I wanna talk about.
The investigative docuseries about the 1979 fire at Sydney’s Luna Park is gripping and gut-wrenching and addictive.
And the cherry on top is journalist Caro Meldrum-Hanna, who takes us inside both her investigation and her very messy office, dubbed The Cradle Of Filth. Married At First Sight is neither gripping nor gut-wrenching. And it certainly doesn’t have a Cradle Of Filth. At best, it just has several ripped plastic bags of trash that are dripping with bin juice.
Caro made several cameos in these recaps two years ago when her Exposed series about the missing Keli Lane baby aired. Obviously, it was far more compelling than some bozos chasing endorsement deals for off-brand teeth whitening lasers. This year will be no different.
Expect more Caro cameos as new episodes of Exposed drop each Tuesday.
We’ll play Where’s Wally with what new miscellaneous items suddenly appear in The Cradle Of Filth.
Side note: She’s upgraded the car from that dusty old wagon she was rattling around town in which, if we may be honest, we’re a little disappointed about – but we still get exciting close-ups of her eyes in the rear-view mirror as she explains to us the latest twist while running from scoop to scoop.
What’s the biggest thing happening on MAFS tonight?
“We had the fart convo,” Georgia tells us.
It’s day one of her honeymoon with Liam and we want it to end ASAP.
“I’m just sayin’, you can fart. I won’t judge ya,” Liam says.
Well, we’re judging you both.
In an attempt to add some interest, the experts decide to recruit more freakshows into the circus.
Chris is a hot FIFO worker and Jaimie is a marketing manager who spells her name weird.
“He’s striking, tall … and has a Viking presence,” John Aiken bites his bottom lip while assessing Chris’ headshot.
We scrunch up our faces while quietly backing out of the room to give John a private moment with the crumpled photo.
We know exactly how this wedding’s gonna go. Chris is the gentle giant who looks scary but has a beautiful soul. And Jaimie is the high-maintenance city girl who criticises everyone but can’t see her own flaws.
Uh-oh! How will these two opposites get on?! We smell chaos!
And in 5, 4, 3, 2 …
“Uh oh. His hair,” she cringes when she lays eyes on the groom as she walks down the aisle.
“First impressions: Not my usual type. Not a huge fan of the hair. And, I’m not a nose ring kinda girl. But I did ask for a nice guy so it seems like he’s ticking that box.”
At the reception, her friends reveal Jaimie has a nickname: Princess.
We don’t like the nickname but we understand – “The Sasshole” was obviously taken.
Chris tells Jaimie about his love of the outdoors and scuba diving and she continues to be condescending.
“I feel like we’re from two different worlds. He left school quite young whereas I went to uni,” she informs us.
Jaimie, we don’t mean to minimise your Bachelor of Arts degree – but, get a grip.
Meanwhile, over on Georgia and Liam’s honeymoon, the producers are growing agitated that the bisexual revelation hasn’t caused even a hint of drama.
There’s only one thing to do: roll in The Sledge Box.
For the uninitiated: The Sledge Box is also known as The Honesty Box and contains questions written by crafty producers to cause drama.
What’s asked first? “How many sexual partners have you had?”
Georgia’s put on the spot but reveals there might be five or six guys but she isn’t sure.
Liam hears this and gets worried. “Look, I hope you don’t judge me …”
“Thirty?” Georgia throws out a wild guess out.
Liam’s face confirms that’s a no.
“More than 30 sexual partners,” he begins. “ … I’ve had about 50 plus.”
Producers start jumping up and down and giggling – thinking Georgia’s gonna flip a table and cry. She doesn’t, because she’s a normal human being.
“Honestly, it doesn’t bother me. It’s you and us from now on. Not from before, so who cares. Honest to god, it does not bother me.”
She takes a sip of her drink and asks what percentage of boys and girls make up Liam’s grand total.
“I’m gonna say, I’ve only slept with about … five guys max. I am bi. It’s who I am but I’ve never dated a guy. I think I am very fluid. It’s who I am – I don’t care about your gender or who you are if I like you.”
Producers slump on the floor and clasp their faces as their plan backfires in front of them. The marriage they hoped would be a televised disaster is actually the most compatible union that has ever appeared on this program.
Up in some rural valley, Beautiful Chris and The Sasshole Jr are on their honeymoon. And we pick up right we’re we left out: with her criticising him.
Nothing is off limits. She’s slagging off his hair and his clothes and the way he talks.
The producers whip out The Sledge Box and it just encourages the toxic comments.
“It’s your turn to aks (sic) me a question. Aks (sic) me a question,” he tells her.
Annnnd in 5, 4, 3, 2 …
“What do I get to do? (Say it) In English,” she spits.
He excuses himself and requests a moment alone in the bathroom. When he returns, she kicks the attack up a notch.
“Wash your hands! Did you wash your hands? Let me smell them. There’s f**king soap for a reason. You dirty grot. That is not OK. Ugh, so unattractive,” she scolds.
The final kick to the guts? “You’ve got sleep in your eye.”
Wow. Right now, The Sasshole seems like a total dream.
https://news.google.com/__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?oc=5
2021-03-16 10:19:20Z
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