The SAS Australia celebrity inmates are turning on each other and that guy from Underbelly finds himself at the centre of a fiery showdown on Tuesday night when the rest of the group uses a mean game to emphasise how much they want his presence in the camp to fade out like his acting career.
OK, OK, that was a cheap shot – we all loved him in … Packed To The Rafters? Sorry, I meant Offspring. Wait… HOUSE HUSBANDS! That was it.
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Firass Dirani is just making life harder than it needs to be. He’s talking back to the soldiers, making half-smart asides under his breath and just being generally unbearable.
For the other celebrities, the tipping point was when his misbehaviour led to the entire group being punished with an ice-cold swim last week.
But for us, the tipping point came during an interrogation when he uttered this sentence: “I wanna jump the chasm of self discovery. To see if I can… actualise. To see if I can become the person I’ve envisioned. I just wanna push myself to excavate.”
Just wow. We’ve heard actors say some wanky crap in interviews over the years, but this one’s hard to beat.
Or maybe we’re being too cynical. I mean, who doesn’t have a burning desire to “actualise” and “excavate”?
Wanna work up a sweat? Try the hot new exercise trend: jumping chasms.
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He doesn’t help his cause tonight. During a challenge where he has to man a moving speedboat and rescue his teammates from the water, he fails. And when he does yank that chick from The Bachelorette aboard, he decides to spit out yet another one of his unnecessary asides.
“Good to be wet again,” he mutters to the drenched Ali.
We immediately know those bitchy British soldiers are going to cut sick and it happens as soon as the get back to shore.
“What did you say, in the boat?” they scream at him. “It’s good to be wet? It’s good to be wet?!”
Naturally, it ends with Firass getting wet as punishment. Reminder: it’s six degrees.
In the car on the way back, everyone’s bitching about him.
“He just can’t help himself. He just gets carried away and thinks he’s, like, impressing us,” Shane Warne’s kid sighs.
“It’s just who he is, he’s a performer,” Honey Badger adds.
Back at base camp, no one’s letting it go. They’ve copped punishment for Firass’ behaviour too many times and they’re not risking it again. Merrick Watts lays into him.
“You f**ked us out there today, do you know that?” he snaps. “You nearly got all of us in the lake and that would’ve f**ked people up. Don’t f**k with us. We’re done with you dobbin’ off to the f**kin’ (staff), mate. Don’t say anything. Don’t say sh*t to us. Get through the f**king course.”
Firass keeps trying to interject with half-baked comebacks but none of them land – mainly because he’s zipped into a sleeping bag and has to crane his head up to spit out the muffled insults.
“What are you screaming about, mate?” Firass asks. “I’m not gonna listen to you shouting at me, mate. Who do you think you are talking to me like that?”
The best part is when Firass goes back into wanky actor mode by describing his interactions with the soldiers as “sophisticated, complex situations”.
The group does a show of hands to indicate how annoyed they are by him.
“You haven’t even apologised to us!” Miss Universe yells.
“This isn’t my first barbecue!” Firass replies as everyone furrows their brows.
“You’re talking through your arse!” that guy from The Biggest Loser spits.
“You are a gullible man. Naive,” Firass sighs while lodging foam noise-cancelling plugs into his ears.
And with that, he goes to bed. Like most actors, he requires a full 11 hours of sleep in order to ensure he’s properly conditioned to jump all those chasms.
At precisely 4.55am, the soldiers storm into the sleeping quarters and delicately ease everyone out of their slumber with a beautiful wake up call.
“We’re leaving in five minutes! If anyone’s gone for a dump, tell ‘em to snap it off!” they scream.
There’s still tension in the team about Firass’s behaviour and the soldiers are completely aware of it. They decide to do a team building exercise to unite the troops.
The rules are simple: Each celebrity is called to the front of the group and forced to state the name of the team member who they wish didn’t exist.
Again, this supports my theory that year 10 girls invented the armed forces.
Most people pick Firass but some also pick Shane Warne’s kid because he’s slow.
Then we’re forced to watch them lug a 100 kilogram log through rough terrain up to the top of a mountain and it’s about as interesting as watching Firass jumping chasms.
That cricketer Mitchell Johnson quits halfway through the task so we just leave him on a mountain peak and make him find his own way back.
Afterwards, in the comfort of a cold concrete cell at approximately 2.17am, Shane Warne’s kid is kidnapped in his sleep and summoned for interrogation.
The soldiers stick to their mean girl tactics by playing dumb and asking questions they already know the answers to so the vulnerable subject is backed into a corner.
Their power move tonight is acting like they don’t know who Shane Warne is. Pah-lease! Guys, don’t pretend like you’ve never seen those Advanced Hair Studio commercials!
“I want him to be really proud of me,” Jackson says softly about his dad.
“Whenever I walk into a room, people say, ‘Oh, that’s Shane Warne’s son, Jackson’. I just wanna be ‘Jackson’. I kinda wish, in another reality, that I wasn’t Shane Warne’s son. I just wanna be able to do me.”
Jackson is a sweetheart who has only eaten 10 foods in his lifetime. Even the soldiers have a soft spot for him. They pat him on the back and don’t humiliate him like they do with that guy who jumps chasms.
And really, he has nothing to worry about. We get why he’s concerned about living in his dad’s shadow. But unlike his dad, he has never been secretly filmed having a threesome while wearing Playboy jocks.
And because of that, he’s already winning.
https://news.google.com/__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?oc=5
2020-10-27 09:41:08Z
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