Influencers finding temporary love is out. Pushing celebrities out of helicopters is in.
Channel 7’s SAS Australia became an instant juggernaut when it hit screens this week and made the current crop of other reality programs eat its dust.
The concept is simple: recruit a bunch of celebrities with varying degrees of relevance and then torture them with military tactics.
It takes all the things we love about Married At First Sight and The Bachelor – like psychological torment and distressing behaviour – and ditches all the stuff we hate, like “love” and “happiness”.
In these dark times, it’s just a really beautiful thing that, as a nation, we can all unite and bask in the joy of seeing Roxy Jacenko being pushed out of a helicopter.
Only in Australia would we champion someone like convicted drug smuggler Schapelle Corby and hoist her up on our shoulders while anointing her our new TV screen queen.
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It was an instant hit with 834,000 metro viewers tuning in to see Schapelle being interrogated in a cell with a bag over her head.
Meanwhile, over on Ten, The Bachelorette slipped to 464,000 metro viewers. Yikes. The biggest thing that happened in that dank old mansion this week was a grown man drinking a cosmopolitan.
Junior MasterChef was even worse. Only 454,000 metro viewers tuned in. Unless those kids are getting pushed out of helicopters when they stuff up their crème brûlées, we don’t care.
After the success of this year’s SAS series, producers are going to need to raise the bar to keep us on our toes.
The military tasks will need to get more intense. This means waterboarding.
A high standard for casting has also been set. A convicted criminal here, a controversial public figure there. An alleged con woman.
Obviously Karen From Brighton is the headline act for next year. And Mercedes Corby. Ideally, she would’ve been paired with Schapelle in the current series as a two-for-one package but hindsight’s a cruel dame.
We need a convicted criminal and the only person who can top Schapelle is Cocaine Cassie. She was released early from Columbia’s El Buen Pastor prison this year, but she’s serving her parole over there. Let’s mark her down for the 2023 series along with the Mercedes Mum.
Belle Gibson will do just fine for now.
The most interesting people to watch are the ones who are rich. Removed from their luxurious lives, it’s a shock to the system when they suddenly find themselves drowning in mud and using a hole in the ground as a toilet. We’ve already put calls in to recruit that ousted Australia Post CEO who loves watches.
The group also needs a yin and yang dynamic – people of opposite backgrounds and beliefs who will clash. We should book in Izzy Folau ASAP. And a gay person. Doesn’t matter which one. Any gay will do.
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This show is the perfect vehicle to give Tania Zaetta a second wind. And we’ve noticed it’s also a great opportunity for personalities seeking redemption with the public. George Calombaris and Pete Evans, an open invitation is officially extended.
Among the mix of weirdos, we need at least one or two people who are fit both mentally and physically. Julie Bishop meets that criteria. All that speed walking in stilettos has provided a lifetime of training that gives her a unique edge. She would win the entire thing.
Rose Porteous is a must. Same with that older, less-successful Hemsworth brother.
And because it’s an Australian reality show, we need to stunt cast it with an American celebrity just to add some extra razzle dazzle.
It’d be great if we could get the fly who won the US vice presidential debate. On second thought, we probably can’t afford her.
https://news.google.com/__i/rss/rd/articles/CBMinQFodHRwczovL3d3dy5uZXdzLmNvbS5hdS9lbnRlcnRhaW5tZW50L3R2L3JlYWxpdHktdHYvamFtZXMtd2Vpci1kcmVhbS1jYXN0LW9mLWNlbGVicy1mb3ItbmV4dC1zYXMtYXVzdHJhbGlhLXNlcmllcy9uZXdzLXN0b3J5L2Q2YjRmNDk5NmQxZjMzZGE2NWMwOTNiMTU1ZDZmNmE20gGdAWh0dHBzOi8vYW1wLm5ld3MuY29tLmF1L2VudGVydGFpbm1lbnQvdHYvcmVhbGl0eS10di9qYW1lcy13ZWlyLWRyZWFtLWNhc3Qtb2YtY2VsZWJzLWZvci1uZXh0LXNhcy1hdXN0cmFsaWEtc2VyaWVzL25ld3Mtc3RvcnkvZDZiNGY0OTk2ZDFmMzNkYTY1YzA5M2IxNTVkNmY2YTY?oc=5
2020-10-24 19:08:12Z
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