Married At First Sight’s high-maintenance wife rejects her husband’s awkward attempt at a kiss on Wednesday and publicly slaps him down like The Sasshole we know and adore.
The Sasshole can’t believe it. First her husband looks at her like she’s “sex on a stick” at their wedding. And now he’s coming at her with an open mouth like she’s a chip on a stick. Only one thing is for sure: When it comes to The Sasshole, there is certainly a stick somewhere.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: MAFS episode 2
Can you believe we’ve still got, like, a month’s worth of weddings to get through? We don’t even enjoy attending the weddings of people we actually like – and yet producers force us to sit through tacky reception after tacky reception as if it’s some kind of treat.
One of tonight’s weddings is for Alana and Jason.
“I am a hot teacher. Being a teacher at my age and looking the way I do can be a bit challenging,” Alana brags to us.
We just know this comment is going to be openly mocked in the staffroom at her school tomorrow and we kinda wish we had Dip. Eds so we could go there and join in.
“I’m comfortable about my sexuality and I’m happy to talk about it,” she declares.
Ugh, people who love talking about their sex life are the worst. Fact: talking non-stop about your sex life is usually a sign you’re not getting any.
“I definitely get pleasure from sex. Like, I love the feeling of the sex as it’s happening. It’s a good feeling,” she continues
Gee, thanks for the tip. You should lecture in medicine.
We already can’t stand this wedding but, when we hear Alana is developing a facial rash, we stick around to see it break out further.
“I have a rash on my face! It’s really scaly,” she sobs just moments before walking down the aisle.
We suggest a hydrocortisone cream and then Uber outta there ASAP in case it’s that flesh eating virus going around Melbourne.
In Sydney, single mum Jo is telling us about her dream man. It’s a pretty simple brief: he’s gotta be down-to-earth and rugged. Preferably a tradie.
Cut to millionaire James applying fancy face cream while wearing a turtleneck.
Uh-oh! You crazy producers. What’s gonna happen when these two opposites collide?
SIDEBAR: This turtleneck is honestly the most highbrow thing to ever be associated with this show.
Jo confides in us that she has self-esteem issues stemming from a past toxic relationship and those negative feelings bubble up the second she lays eyes on James’ man jewellery. Man jewellery is gross but that’s a topic for another day. She clocks the Rolex on her new husband’s wrist and immediately thinks she’s not worthy enough.
“He has a nice … I think it’s a … Rolex watch on his wrist – and that’s definitely way above me. I’m a Kmart shopper. And he looks like a Rolex shopper,” she hyperventilates.
Joanne, we’re going to tell you something and we’re only going to say it once: That watch is probably a Folex. Also, when you inevitably take him to Kmart for the first time, please film it because we want to see him freak out when he’s surrounded by all the cheap crap.
“I feel like he might be after someone a little more glamorous,” she frets. “I don’t think I’m glamorous enough for him.”
But once the reception kicks off and James reveals he once owned a Turkish restaurant, Jo relaxes.
“Ugh, yes! The meats and the breads and the dips! Yes! Fill me with some dip!” she squeals.
And really, that’s all any man wants to hear.
Jo’s thrilled. In one day she has doubled her skincare products and the prospect of being filled with dip is in the not too distant future. She’s feeling relaxed. Everything seems to be falling into place. But then she finds out James is a car salesman.
“I hope you’re not the typical car salesmen kinda dude,” she bops along to the music that’s playing over the outdoor speakers. “Car salesmen are very stereotyped. Because they are wankers, aren’t they? Hopefully you’re not a wanker.”
James is pissed. But because his skincare regimen is so good, the lines on his forehead don’t really show when he raises his eyebrows in shock. Still, he makes it known that he’s perturbed.
He’s acting like Jo just compared him to the crook car salesman dad Mr Wormwood in Matilda.
“Jo seems to be getting a little apprehensive. She has made comments about me being a car dealer,” says Mr Wormwood. “And, look, there’s the stereotype they come off arrogant, rude, obnoxious. That doesn’t define the person I am. I want her to see me for who I am. What’s under these layers.”
In Jo’s defence, James is wearing a lot of layers. Maybe peel down the turtleneck.
Anyway, he understands that Jo’s nervous and she explains her insecurities. She might not be getting filled with dip tonight, but James assures her his feelings aren’t fake. Unlike his Folex.
Producers are on a roll tonight when it comes to playing with people’s insecurities, and they don’t hold back with Melissa on the first night of her honeymoon with Bryce. This is the chick who’s never been on a date. Producers know she’s at an emotional rock bottom, which is why they wheel in an “honesty box”. The honesty box is a tactic used on all reality shows to cause trouble. We like to call it the “sledge box” because the questions inside it are always crafted to ensure someone is insulted by the answer.
“Am I your usual type?” Melissa reads out the first question to her husband.
We know instantly where this is heading.
“Ummm. It’s a tough question. I’ll be completely honest. Not 100 per cent,” his voice ramps up to a high pitch at the end of that sentence.
Melissa’s insulted. It’s like she has never seen the sledge box challenge.
But Bryce isn’t done.
“I’ve always gone for the blonde hair, blue eyes, tan kinda girl. And usually tall. I can’t say 100 per cent I’d come up to you in a bar and buy you a drink,” he continues.
OK. We get it. You’ve given your answer. Let’s move on to the next question.
“When I first saw you I thought, ‘Not my type’,” he powers on.
Good God.
“But, I thought, she’s not … ugly?” he muses.
Bryce senses some annoyance and isn’t sure what he did wrong.
“Were you hoping I’d say I thought you were the most gorgeous girl in the world … or? Is that the answer you were hoping for?” he asks his wife.
She stares at him in silence.
“I can’t help the way you feel. But I probably wouldn’t have been intimate with you,” she holds back tears.
She’s shattered. All her insecurities come bubbling up again. She asks her husband if he’s here for the right reasons.
He’s offended and gets huffy – like when Jo compared James to Mr Wormwood.
We feel for Melissa but now she’s just asking questions she already knows the answer to.
Bryce is a regional radio DJ who ended his engagement to go on a reality show.
That’s your answer. It’s all you need to know.
In all the swirling insecurity that’s being been going on tonight, we almost forget to check in with The Sasshole.
She’s on her honeymoon with that guy whose teeth she hates. The chemistry is buzzing and the flirty conversation is just pinging back and forth like the dialogue in a Nancy Myers film.
“Look at the trees,” Jake leans on the fence of the patio.
“Those trees?” she mumbles, nodding into the distance before looking down at the pavers.
“Yeah,” he replies.
With nothing left to say, he leans in to kiss The Sasshole but she grimaces and bends backwards before turning away to avoid all contact.
“In the most awkward moment of a conversation with no essence, he thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to lean in and kiss me. I feel like Jake is trying to create something un-genuinely (sic),” she fumes before confronting him about it.
“We were literally talking about absolutely nothing. And that for me, just was frustrating. That’s why I pulled away.” And it’s understandable, The Sasshole.
Tonight, it is safe to say, no one is getting filled with dip.
https://news.google.com/__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?oc=5
2021-02-24 10:26:55Z
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