Like the Married At First Sight seasons of yore, a husband makes an X-rated admission about a woman who’s not his wife while both ladies are mere metres away at a drunken dinner party that ends with the experts pretending like they haven’t personally constructed this mess.
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JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read MAFS episode five recap
As we prepare to jump into the sponsorship vehicles that will ferry us to this chaotic evening, The Sasshole decides to share some thoughts.
“I’m hoping there are three things that aren’t there: fake meat, fake cheese and fake people,” she states.
Apparently fake everything else is fine.
Samantha hasn’t spoken to her husband Cam since they had that fight in a Central Coast RSL car park. Back in the city, they’ve been staying in separate hotel rooms. He texts her to work things out before the dinner party but she refuses to meet – opting to make a bold statement by entering that humid warehouse alone.
Rebuffed, Cam is fed up with the drama.
“I don’t deal with clowns,” he tells us.
To more important things, Coco – that intense pilates instructor from the Sutherland Shire – is still workshopping her viral catchphrase.
“Reckon I can wear slides to the dinner party?” she yells out to her husband Sam.
As usual, Mel Schilling and John Aiken are watching it all unfold via CCTV from their lair along with Fake Trish.
Because this is the first time all the couples are coming together to meet as a group, it’s normal for everyone to feel shy and withhold a little. What we’ve found in the past is it usually just takes a moment for these contestants to warm up and get comfortable with each other before venturing into conversation that’s a little more personal.
And in five, four, three, two …
As a lone Samantha arrives in her sponsorship vehicle, she ponders how her life ended up this way.
“I never ever imagined I’d be walking into the first dinner party by myself,” she shakes her head.
It’s heartbreaking and true. Many little boys and girls watch this esteemed program and imagine themselves growing up to land a coveted spot on it. So many nights spent fantasising about how their storylines will play out. Sure, they’d expect to get cheated on at the four-week mark – but that’s just life. Walking into the first dinner party alone though … it’s almost as if fairytales aren’t true.
Samantha arrives first and wastes no time in controlling the narrative of her tumultuous marriage. She does that thing we all do in breakups where you make it your mission to get to the friendship group before your ex does so you can contaminate the waters with just enough toxic details to turn everyone against them. You don’t wanna be too heavy-handed – you just want to drip feed enough information to villainise the ex before shutting down the conversation and claiming you’re taking the high road.
“He left on our honeymoon. He’s gone,” Sam declares to the group. “He left me on the honeymoon. Wait until you hear the full story.”
The Sasshole’s in her element. Her husband Jake’s being very respectful and complimentary about his wife to the boys, but she’s trash-talking him within earshot.
“He tried to shove his tongue down my throat,” she says of the wedding day. “I rejected him.”
Mel, Fake Trish and John are disgusted by the behaviour they’re witnessing.
It’s around now John starts musing about these good old-fashioned dinner parties we’ve been enduring for years now. “One of the aspects of this experiment that I love — ”
“Plying people with alcohol and locking them in a room with the lovers that they hate?” we cut him off.
He continues. “What I love is that they don’t get to escape their partner at the dinner party table.”
So … we’re basically right.
“I didn’t even have an oars-derrrrv!” squawks Coco as she’s ushered to the dining table, and we adore her even more.
The Sasshole is still trashing her husband.
“He needs validation all the time,” she eye-rolls. “And … affection. And I’m like, you haven’t bothered to get to know me and you’re trying to shove your tongue down my throat? I need a foundation of friendship and banter. Honestly, I didn’t laugh the entire honeymoon. There is no chemistry going on between us.”
Even when Jake joins her at the table, she powers on with the insults. “I like to have a joke. And I find Jake boring sometimes. He makes 32 seem really old.”
Samantha and her husband broke up in an RSL carpark and even she reckons this behaviour is off.
Of course, we can always count on Coco for sideline commentary and premium reactionary cutaway shots.
The oars-derrrvs have barely been Glad Wrapped and shoved in the fridge before Samantha is daring the group to begin the probe about her crappy marriage again.
She brings up the Sledge Box and how Cam admitted he wasn’t feeling an undying connection to her before they had sex and that he revealed she probably isn’t the type of girl he’d usually date.
Cam gives in and cuts to the chase.
“The honesty box came out and I was honest,” he tells the table.
“This is a f**king nightmare,” Samantha huffs.
REMINDER: Coco’s husband dissed her boobs in the Sledge Box challenge and she’s still lovin’ life.
“You left me on the honeymoon and walked off and ripped your microphone off and said, ‘Why am I matched with this girl? I want out of this experiment!’” Samantha recalls the events of the RSL carpark as Cam gets up to storm off.
“I’m done, I’m done,” he mutters. “It’s so draining. She doesn’t wanna know what I have to say. Why would someone then want to move forward in a relationship? The only option at the commitment ceremony is to write ‘leave’.”
Well, sucked in. On a whim, the experts decide to change the rules and cancel this week’s commitment ceremony so these two enemies can fight even more for our own personal enjoyment.
Samantha shouldn’t feel short changed. Most of the others are paired with dummies too.
Just as the bar runs dry, Coco’s husband Sam initiates a fun party game with the boys.
“Who do ya think the best lookin’ girl is here?” he whispers.
The other husbands look around uncomfortably – fake laughing and sipping their beers before listing their own wives.
“Youse two are f**ked!” Sam laughs before offering his own opinion: Alana, Jason’s wife.
“I think she is the sexiest. She’s got a great set of …” the notorious boob-man widens his eyes and nods. “I’ll inbox (DM her). ‘Oi … come down to the end of the table’.”
The other husbands don’t know how to respond.
“You can’t say that,” Jake dismisses.
But apparently Sam reckons he can.
“Me and Coco, our spark isn’t blowing our minds. So I don’t think there’s any harm in looking around,” he grunts to us.
Our affection for Coco has grown tremendously over the past five days and we hate to see this happening to her. The worst thing? She’s not even around to offer her own reactionary cutaway shot to these outrageous scenes.
Now we feel twice as bad that she missed out on the oars-derrrvs.
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